Issue #43	December 2004
Know someone else going through the divorce process? If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in it's entirety to them. "Life is a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you can only spend it once."     - Francis Bacon Don't forget to mention DivorceHQ.com when contacting the divorce professionals listed on the site.
In This Issue: Less Stress for the Holidays What is Collaborative Family Law?     by Brian Don Levy, Esquire Read All About It! Divorce Humor New Attorney, Mediator and Divorce Services Members.
1. Less Stress for the Holidays As anyone who has gone through or is in the process of a divorce knows the holidays can be very stressful. However, every effort should be made to steer clear of the extra stress that a divorce puts on everyone during this time of year. Bear in mind that it's supposed to be a happy time, especially for the kids. It's hard for the kids to enjoy their holiday when their parents are fighting over every little thing. Put your children's needs first. Remember, how you and your ex behave towards each other will determine if your children suffer or enjoy their holiday. Here are a few tips on how to take some of the stress out of the holidays: Develop a plan. Know exactly what the time-sharing schedule is for the holidays. Try not to make unreasonable requests for time; on the other hand, don't deny a request for time "just because". Work around family traditions when figuring a holiday schedule. Be kind. If ever there is a time to put aside your personal feelings for your ex this is it. Keep all negative comments to yourself and let the children enjoy the time that they have with each parent. It's never easy to shuttle the children back and forth, and it's worse during the holidays. It's natural to be sad. Try not to let those feelings of sadness come through. It's ok to tell your children they will be missed but don't make them feel guilty for spending time with the other parent. Remember, the fact that your child is no longer young doesn't mean he or she won't feel stress over how much time they spend with each of their parents during the holidays. Adult children of divorce are still often conflicted during the holidays. Don't make unreasonable demands of your grown children's time, preventing them from seeing their other parent. If you follow these few suggestions you may find yourself enjoying your holidays more than you thought you possibly could.
2. What is Collaborative Family Law?         by Brian Don Levy, Esquire Collaborative family law is a powerful and effective way for people who are divorcing to reach fair solutions and resolve differences, using highly trained and skilled professionals, while avoiding the cost and uncertainties of litigation. Collaborative family law is about achieving a fair and equitable settlement and assessing and accomplishing the thoughtful restructuring of the family. The collaborative family law process is progressive because it allows couples to obtain the positive advantages of legal, financial, psychological and personal assistance in sorting out the complexities of their divorce, while at the same time focusing on issue resolution and family growth while completely avoiding the harmful disadvantages of the adversarial litigation process. Only collaborative family law addresses the whole picture that is involved in divorce. It recognizes that divorce is more than a legal procedure or event. It is also a time of intense distress and proves to be challenging for the parties and particularly for the children. Many financial issues are involved and often they are complex. Because it does address the whole picture, the collaborative law process helps parties achieve a more complete, enriching and long term resolution. In this process, parents and children tend to suffer fewer traumas, heal faster and have better relationships with each other after the divorce. Additionally, children are protected from the most devastating aspects of a family break-up. People can use the collaborative family law process to resolve their entire matter, including child custody and visitation issues, property division and support. Post-divorce issues, such as adjustment of time with children or adjustment of support, can also be solved with collaborative law. How Does It Work? In a collaborative divorce, you will create a "container" that can be filled with experts who will work with you in an exchanging and meaningful dialogue directed toward the identification of and resolution of issues. The various individuals who work within the "container" can and will vary based upon the needs of the individual divorcing couple. You can have your own attorney who will provide you with full legal protection and advocacy. You will also have support and coaching from a psychological expert. There can also be a neutral financial professional to provide analysis and advice. All financial information is exchanged voluntarily and completely. The divorcing parties are still bound by their fiduciary duties of good faith and full and complete disclosure of assets and debts among other things. Your attorney helps you to assess the information and provides guidance and options. A series of multi-party meetings is scheduled to systematically identify and examine the issues, explore options and work toward an agreement that satisfies both parties. An agenda is set for each meeting in advance, so that everyone is clear on what issues will be discussed during any given meeting. Attorneys can meet with their clients to prepare for each meeting. A problem-solving approach is always used. Collaborative attorneys are trained in interest-based negotiation, and they help the parties to work productively to find agreements that meet the real interests of both. This type of negotiation allows both sides to win ("win-win" negotiation as opposed to the "win-lose" litigation model). The collaborative family law process is voluntary, and both parties must agree to participate and to continue working together until resolution is achieved. This means that each participant has a stake in being fair and cooperative, because uncooperative behavior will cause the process to terminate and force the parties back to the litigation model. If the process does terminate, the parties continue to have all of their rights and remedies under the law. The collaborative attorneys will withdraw and the parties can proceed to hire counsel to take the case to court and have their matters be decided by a judge. For the online version of Mr. Levy's article including the differences between litigation, mediation and collaborative divorce and the cost of collaborative divorce go to: divorcehq.com/articles/whatiscollaborative.html ABOUT THE AUTHOR Brian Don Levy has been practicing family law since 1973. He believes that divorcing families sometimes do not know that they can 'opt out' of the traditional judicial process and take advantage of the collaborative divorce, which provides parties with an opportunity to restructure their approach to divorce in a way that reduces conflict, psychological injury to parents and their children and the economic hardships often caused by the use and abuse of the judicial process. He is a certified mediator and arbitrator for the Los Angeles County Superior Court, has provided mediation services since 1986, represented divorcing parties in their litigation needs since 1973 and has served as a Judge Pro Tem in various Southern California counties in California since 1978. He can be contacted by phone at (800) 330-8216 or or Visit Web Site
3. Read All About It! If you have child support issues you may want to check out this book. Remember, child support collection is NOT a gender issue. "Your Divorce Advisor" by Diana Mercer, Marsha Kline Pruett Synopsis: A lawyer and psychologist offer a ground breaking divorce strategy that protects both your finances and your family. From your first thought of divorce through the final paperwork, Your Divorce Advisor takes you step by step toward a divorce that dissolves the marriage but not your dignity, your sense of family or your financial security. Whether you hire a lawyer, a mediator, or do it yourself, this practical, direct and empowering guide offers you the wise counsel you need for both the legal and emotional process of ending your marriage. Your Divorce Advisor shows you how to: Keep a healthy perspective that leads to a successful legal strategy and recognize when emotions threaten your case Protect your assets without destroying your family Use win/win divorce negotiations to avoid trial and reach an optimal settlement "Your Divorce Advisor" helps you set yourself and your family on a positive course towards a new life.
The Internet is an outstanding source to find books on a wide range of divorce topics. We have searched the Internet for you and have come up with a diversified collection of books that may help you through this trying time. These books are for men, women and children. There are books for each stage from beginning the divorce to recovery. Take a look at: DivorceHQ.com/divorcebooks.html If you are interested in books that you can download directly from the Internet, we have found those for you as well. Simply go to: DivorceHQ.com/onlinebooks.html
4. Humor A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."     - Unknown Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.     - Unknown
5. Welcome to the following new         Attorneys, Mediators, Therapist/Counselors and Divorce Services members. Arizona     Attorneys         Bishop Law Office, P.C. - Phoenix     Mediators         Liberty, O'Neill & Bibbens - Tucson California     Attorneys         Martin R. Bender, A Law Corporation - Laguna Hills     Mediators         Just Solutions - Carlsbad New Jersey     Attorneys         Law Offices of Peter Van Aulen - Saddle Brook     Mediators         Resolutions - Princeton New York     Attorneys         Law Offices of David L. Martin Esq. - Kew Gardens North Carolina     Attorneys         David Holm, Attorney at Law - Raleigh
To find an ATTORNEY in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/attydir.shtml To find a MEDIATOR in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/mediatordir.shtml To find OTHER DIVORCE REALTED SERVICES such as Family counselors and Therapist, Divorce Planners, Financial Planners, Paralegals and Accountants go to: www.divorcehq.com/servicedir.shtml To find a SUPPORT GROUP in your state go to: www.divorcehq.com/spprtgroups.shtml
Remember, we are not attorneys, therefore we can not answer legal questions. If you have a legal question, visit our Attorney, Mediator or Service Directories for the appropriate professional in your state.