DIVORCE HEADQUARTERS NEWSLETTER       Issue #19,     January 2002 Know someone else going through the process? If you think they could benefit from this newsletter feel free to pass it on in it's entirety to them. SAND OR STONE? A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. At a certain point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without anything to say, he wrote in the sand: "TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE." They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE." The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him, "Why, after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone?" The other friend, smiling, replied: "When a friend hurts us, we should write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness can blow it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it." Learn to write in the sand. Don't forget to mention DivorceHQ.com when contacting the divorce professionals listed on the site. In this Issue: How much is enough? Mediation: An Alternative To The Ugly Divorce     Lori H. Goldstein, J.D. Divorce Humor 1. How much is enough? According to the Associated Press in a release dated January 14, 2001 the ex-wife of a California billionaire is seeking $320,000 per month in child support. Court papers filed indicate that the child's MONTHLY expenses include the following: $144,000 for travel; $14,000 for parties and play dates; $7,000 for charity; $4,300 for food, plus $5,900 to eat out; $2,500 for movies, theaters and outings; $1,400 for laundry and cleaning; $1,000 for toys, videos and books; and $436 for care of the child's pets. The child's father had agreed to pay $50,000 per month and at times paid up to $75,000 per month. He has not commented on his ex-wife's filing. The following is an excerpt from an article submitted by one of our professional members. For full text of all articles visit http://Divorcehq.com/articles.html 2. Mediation: An Alternative To The Ugly Divorce     by Lori H. Goldstein, J.D I sat on the floor recently at a birthday party for a friend of my three year old, chatting with a group of four other moms. When it came to light that all four were divorced single mothers, the conversation quickly turned to the colorful descriptions of the fathers of their respective children. The creeps have yet to visit on a regular basis, pay child support reliably or participate in a meaningful way in parenting. Three of the mothers were particularly exuberant in this discussion. The fourth quietly mentioned that her situation was not that bad - that she and her ex regularly share in the parental responsibilities for their two kids. They live two blocks away from each other, take turns dropping off and picking up their girls from school and work out child rearing issues. A bell immediately went off in my head. This situation sounded very familiar to me. I asked the fourth mom if her divorce was mediated. She said yes. I was reminded again by a real-life situation of the benefits of mediation. You may be wondering what kind of process can help smooth out the bumpy path to divorce: It is mediation - a nonadversarial, confidential process in which a neutral facilitator helps a couple negotiate a mutually satisfactory resolution to all of the issues in their divorce, i.e., property distribution, parenting arrangements and financial issues. In addition, mediation addresses extra-legal issues, such as how the parents will communicate and behave around the children. So, it is a cooperative approach to a comprehensive settlement. How does mediation work? After hearing the parties tell their stories, including their grievances, needs and concerns, the mediator helps them explore ways of accommodating those needs that work for both of them and, especially, for the children. The mediator moves the parties away from a fight over their conflicting positions and instead focuses them on how they are going to interact in the future, in the best interest of their children. When the conversation is refocused in this manner, there is a surprising amount of overlap in what the parents need and this sets the groundwork for agreement. A common misperception about mediation is that it is only for couples who get along. Actually, I have found it extremely effective for the high-conflict couple who is most susceptible to the escalating tensions of an adversarial process. All good mediators have an arsenal of tools they use to reduce anger, focus the parties on the relevant issues and move the couple out of their "stuckness." For the full the version of Ms. Goldstein's article including Other benefits of mediation, what is unique about mediation, and if mediation is for everyone, go to: www.divorcehq.com/articles/ugly ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lori H. Goldstein has been a professional mediator for over 10 years, specializing in family and divorce matters. She is an advanced practitioner member of the Academy of Family Mediators and a practicing attorney since 1985. Ms. Goldstein is also a director of the Alliance for Mediation and Conflict Resolution (AMCR), which is a group of professionally trained mediators with backgrounds in matrimonial law, business, accounting and social work. She can be contacted by phone at (973)921-1549 in New Jersey, (212)594-4115 in NY or or Visit Web Site 3. HUMOR A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.     submitted by MaryAnn Lippin